I met her!

So, awhile back, on Saturday 16th I met Lilly! And a bunch of other cool people (AKA, the Venetians). Most of whose names I don't remember. :) Well, I remember their real names, just not their Venetian names... Here's proof we chilled:
It's a bad pic, I know, but it's of me and Lilly on the day we met. Proof we know each other!

And this is proof I know Impulse. :) bad pic, again. I think it's the lighting... She's prettier than in this picture!

Fate hates me...

I had a presentation today. It was a lit thing. It sucked, although everyone seemed to like our English dialects and dramatic reading. And then I had a free period. I didn't do much today. CRAP!! I still need to wrap everyone's present! Darn! Durnnit, dammit, darnation... Daggit! Oh well, the night is young, and I am in no mood for sleep. Tonight, we shall share the same dream! YES!

So this morning, when I took my phone into the shower with me (hey, I over slept and I wanted to talk to my friends, but I also needed to shower because I hadn't done so in several days), I was kinda sleepy, right? Not yet awake? So I make this proposition to Sweety. I ask him if I could "use" him to make Red Delicious jealous. God, what was I thinking... Of course, being the sweetie he is, he agreed. I talked to Pirate Girl about it and she said we'd have show him what he could have. It's risky, it's stupid, it'll do things to my rep, and it's messing with someone's free will. Not just anyone, but the guy I love. Why would I want to do that? I told you I was tired... The more I thought about it, the more I realised how much I didn't want to do it. Let it be. Besides, he's starting to talk to me more. We talked for a whole minute today! It was grand! But then he had to leave because... well, he was done with his finals. But he was looking at me funny. He'd have long periods of just staring at me while we talked and then a long period of not looking at me.

The weirdest thing is... all those times I mentioned in Looking Back Part 2, I didn't even scrape the surface. A lot of times he looked like he was going to kiss me or expected me to kiss him. He was definitely flirting with me. He claims, now, that it was a joke, he was only fake flirting. But it wasn't... Why else would I like him unless he seemed interested, he's not the shiniest spoon in the drawer.
And now he's just gone. My theory is that he liked me but was afraid of relationships, so he backed away when I got more serious. Then I pushed too hard and he backed WAY up, and now I can barely see him. That seems to be the most logical reason. Either that or he's a cold hearted bitch and he likes to fuck with people's emotions. I like the first reason better.
Sweety's going to talk to him to see what happened. Later, when it's the opportune moment, I'm going to tell him that he's the loose end of a love triangle. Just so he knows. And then I'm going to leave it at that and love from afar. The end.

This Is Why

Twig snap
Leaf fall
This is why the wind blows

Insect fly
White cloud
This is why the wind blows

Pale light
Bright moon
This is why the Fall goes

Windpool
Wind turn
This is why the Fall goes

Earth strong
Earth hard
This is why the tree grows

Spark gone
Still air
This is why the tree grows

13.

i've left myself
put up on the shelf
inside all hollow
seeing pools shallow

there is no more
what're you fighting for
scraped out
can't even shout

body used up
not still a pup
worn out and thin
scraps of tin

Peter and me

This is a fun little pic taken today at lunch. We were doing some crazy things... At one point me and Buddha were going to take a picture with each other, but Spaceship's phone didn't want to save it. It was really funny because I was holding him like I wanted him, but then he looked down at me just as Spaceship was taking the picture so it looked like he was going to kiss me! It was a very romanitic picture. We had a good laugh...

EDIT: Has nothing to do with today. This was a practice of my Halloween costume. I was Bubblegum. I looked smashing. :)

I am from condradiction

But at least I can be happy in my sorrow. How does that work? I'm sad, but I'm happy about it. I cry with a smile on my face. I love with a broken heart and a song in there too. I see the small things, raindrops, and they excite me, yet they depress me. This isn't the definition of bipolar, you're not supposed to have it at the same time!
How can I live each day knowing that I'm dying? How can I face people and tell them I'm alright? Why am I like this? Why can't I just settle on one emotion? Why are all the feelings swirled clouds in a tempest? The tempest of my heart...

That's What It Is
It feels like it's bursting, overflowing with tears. The salty water. It gets worse each time, swelling even further beyond repair. Sometimes I can't take it, but I can't stop it. It just comes... and it hurts. It burns. At first I liked it and I sought it out, looking to break my own heart just so I could get that thrill again. But it's out of control. Now it comes when it wants, searing into my body. All he has to do is touch me, and I die inside. Passion.

Unrequited

"A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain."
--Abraham Crowly

Some things never change

FINALS!! I did fairly well on my first two. Math and science. My worst subjects. Well, bio isn't so bad, and neither is algebra really, it's just I haven't really been keeping up with the homework of late. I like the material, it's just I'm having various mental break downs and inner apocalypses, etc. So, the bio test was somewhat easy, I knew a lot of the stuff. But I spent so much time studying the earlier stuff I forgot to study the more recent stuff! ATP?! What's that?! Actually, there was a little diagram of an ATP molecule on the test and it said "Name this molecule". At first I put "amino acid", then saw the three phosphate groups and went WHUPS!! The algebra final was so incredibly easy. We got to pick the questions we did. So I did 10 questions in all, because they were higher point questions. Instead of doing 25 5point questions I did 5 5point questions and 5 20point questions.

My nail... Mon petit povre pinkie nail... It's wrapped in glue. First I got a glue stick and got some glue under my nail so it would be glued to the rest of my nail. But now it's glued to my pinkie. Then I got a candle and dripped hot wax on my nail so it would be held together. But the glue is holding the wax on so it won't come off. Then I got some Elmer's glue and rubbed it on top. But now that glue is holding everything in place, like a hard, casing, cocoon thing. The wax is green... it looks like my finger is molding...

There's always a reason for nicknames. Sweety is no exception. He's so unbearably sweet! It's like one of those too-sweet-to-eat frostings. I feel kinda bad sometimes, and others I just feel loved. He makes me feel so... wonderful! He's kinda awkward sometimes but others he's so thoughtful... The way he looks at me...with pure, unrequited desire. With love. He can always cheer me up. He makes my day. And I love him, but I'm not in love with him, and he's ok with that. He feels bad that Red Delicious doesn't want me, and, as far as I can tell, he wants Red Delicious to want me. So I can be with him. Even though that would mean not being with him. Sweety. He'd give up his own happiness for mine. I'm so grateful. I've never been loved like this before. I wish Red Delicious was as grateful for me as I am for Sweety.
Yay, we're in a love triangle!!

Don't Panic

The immortal words of Douglas Adams. A great man. And all through this craze and chaos, that's all I can hear: Don't panic. My mind's ear telling myself not to freak, not to lose my cool. There's school, yes of course, and guys. And life. Don't forget about life! My chemicals, the ones in my brain, stir knavishly, plotting against me. What will they decide? What horror will they place upon me today? But I gotta get through this, I have to. Everyone's counting on me. I have to stay strong for all of my friends. And for my family. Why? Is there an important reason? I'm not quite sure. I'm just floating. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Where I should go, who I should ask. It's all swirled together. My hopes and dreams seem lost in the whirlpool of the universe. And yet I hold onto one thing: Don't panic. And I try not to.

Looking Back Part 2

So, after writing the last post, I started remembering all of the memorable times I had at school with Red Delicious.

1. The day when I got his shirt wet and he took it off.

2. The time when he was complaining about how everyone thinks of him as a little kid or a little brother and NO ONE thinks of him as a sexual being, and I said "one does" and he smiled.

3. The day he was holding the chalk just out of my reach so I had to wrap my arms around him and bring my face really close to his.

4. The same day as the chalk day, only later. He was biting my cheek, but it was more like kissing. That was the time when he got the name Red Delicious because he was biting the sticker (it was on my cheek) so he took it off and put it on himself.

5. All the times he'd walk up to me and say something completely random.

6. All the times I walked into a room where he was and he saw me and lit up.

7. The time when he was playing dead and telling me I had to give him CPR. And don't forget the tongue.

8. The day when I straddled him to get his phone number and he gave it to me one number up. (i.e., 234-5678 becomes 345-6789)

9. The game day (when the picture with his finger in his mouth was taken) when he dipped me, the guys shouted "Kiss her!" and he thought seriously about it and said "I can't..."

10. The time when he held me from behind while we swayed and sang I Touch Myself.

And now I'm crying... I miss the old him so much!
It's almost like it never happened...

The usual

Oh gosh. Where do I start?
Maybe from the beginning...
Today was reading day. That's when we study for finals, supposedly. But I couldn't get any studying done because I was having another Apocalypse, as usual. Sweety helped me, though. He's so sweet! He likes me, yet he tolerates all my jabbering about Red Delicious because he knows how much pain I'm in over him. He talked to him today. Sweety to Red Delicious. Apparently he thinks I'm avoiding him. That's only so he won't think I'm a stalker. And he says that whenever he tries to act "normal" with me, I flirt with him. I'm acting normal with him! That's the way we used to act with each other! We'd always be hanging off each other and stuff. That's why everyone thought we were going out, cause we were always flirting. Gosh, who the hell does he think I am?! Piece of shit, mother fucker...

I'm going to fail my finals. :)

Comments, Questions, Feedback

This is my fifth post of the day. Do you think I'm sufficiently bored? My point is, I want to know if you, the readers, think that I'm posting too much. I would very much like your feedback. Say whatever you think I should know about my blog, i.e., if you hate it when I talk so much about Red Delicious. It doesn't mean I'll stop writing about those things, I just want to know what my audience thinks. I am fully aware how strange I am. Don't judge, comment!

Apocalypse

I've been thinking of changing my name to Apocalypse. Or possibly Lilith the Apocalypse. But then I'd feel as if I was encroaching on the Venetians' way of nicknaming, i.e., Peter the Disconcerting (although he's not very disconcerting! He's such a sweety...! :D) Or just have someone's nickname be Apocalypse. I just really want to use it. But all my friends have names, plus no one I know fits the description of Apocalypse very well. Even I don't. But I do have a constant Apocalypse going on inside me at any given time...
PS: Dark Sun, the coolest name EVER! Other than Apocalypse, of course...

Definition of insanity

What is the definition of insanity? The American Heritage Dictionary says "Unsoundness of mind sufficient in the judgment of a civil court to render a person unfit to maintain a contractual or other legal relationship or to warrant commitment to a mental health facility." Eh. I say blow the legal crap. Albert Einstein is credited with defining insanity as "doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome." I do that. In seventh grade, the Martian and Kiele looked "insane" up and said I fit the definition (it's been so long I can't remember what it said). My uncle explained to me the difference between "psychotic" and "schizophrenic": Psychotics build castles in the clouds; schizophrenics live in them. And when I looked it up, it said that neurotics build the castles and psychotics live in them. I also found this website: Ah, Mental Health. How can we live on this Earth and not be crazy? To err is human, right? The brain is so big and confusing and complicated, something's bound to go wrong! And everyone has their own little form of psychosis. Yay! We're crazy! EDIT: AAh! I don't know, I just don't know what... I can't put my finger on it. What am I doing differently? Maybe the people here are A LOT different. I get strange looks now. Not that I didn't before, but now I get REALLY strange looks. It makes me feel bad. What am I doing? Am I hurting you? Am I upsetting you? Tell me! I don't want to be thrown out of my room again... I say something and the whole room gets quiet. What? What did I say? Did I do something? Do I have a piece of crap in my teeth? And they all look up like "what did you just say? What were you thinking?!" And I'm just thinking "What?!" and I feel like crying cause they all think I'm crazy, and not in a good way. Why do I care so much about what people think of me. I do these crazy things... Well, it depends, I'll get on top of the roof and scream "Long live The Beatles!" or go dumpster diving for a really cute band jacket from the sixties the school just happens to be throwing away. I'll even go up to random people and say hi or ask for a hug. But why do I care so much if Peter thinks I'm stupid or if Mr. Gus doesn't want to be my friend or if people are shocked by what I say? It's not the people, I do stupid things in front of them all the time. Is it the type of stupid thing?

Someone

I just can't take my mind off Red Delicious. Today... ah, it was awful, we were together, (me, Peter, Red Delicious, Art, and Eye) just hanging out behind the commons like we usually do. But then Red Delicious, Art, and Eye go inside the commons because it was cold. So me and Peter follow them. Once inside, we (Peter and I) stand around awkwardly because we have no idea what we're doing there. They sit down and me and Peter follow suit. I sat next to Red Delicious and at first he was facing and talking to me, and I was heppe. But then he starts to completely ignore me so I start talking to Peter exclusively. He did almost the same thing earlier. I was sitting next to him at morning meeting. God... At least today he said more to me than he did all week. But, because of said condition in previous post, I keep on thinking that we're still friends. So I keep going up to him and acting like nothing happened. Do you think it will work? Or do you think I should ignore him as much as he's ignoring me? Keep in mind this was not a plan, I just happened to be doing it by accident because I have no memory at the moment, just feelings. I just react to people accordingly: how I feel about them.
So, the title! I bet you're wondering about that, huh? Well, I'm referring to a song I've probably talked about: Someone by DHT. I was just talking to Sweety about the way he looked at me, I could feel his longing. It's so sweet! I love it when guys look at me like that. It makes me feel special. And I told him that I wished Red Delicious would look at me like that. I just wish I could be his someone.

Going through the motions

For some reason, I've been feeling rather strange lately and I'm slightly disoriented. Like awhile ago when Sweety asked me out and then I had to tell him I couldn't because I was having personal problems. More like medical problems. There's something wrong with the way my brain is functioning of late. My regular actions are fine, walking, typing, breathing, masticating, I can do all of them the way I used to. But it feels like I'm going through the motions. "Nothing here is real, nothing here is right ... nothing seems to penetrate my heart ... will I stay this way forever, sleepwalk through my life's endeavour ... I can't even see if this is really me, and I just wanna be alive." And there's this thing where I kinda black out. But nothing goes black. I used to have them every so often, but they were really quick and I barely noticed them. But these are becoming several seconds long. People can be talking to me and all of a sudden I have no idea if they're speaking English or not. You can tell how annoying this must be in French class. It's like a short circuit. I don't even know who I am or where I am. My brain just stops working for a few moments. I hope it's just stress. Cause then that means I'm not crazy or dying.
(EDIT: Sweety made a good point when I was telling him about this. He said "Like you're on autopilot?". And I was thinking "Oh my god, how did you know?!")
It's like there's this zombie that acts like me in my place. There's only one thing I can feel strongly about. And can you guess what that is? Red Delicious.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn

And I'll never learn it. What's that? you may ask. Well, if you've never heard that quote, you're doomed. In my book. Here it is so I can save your souls: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
Sure, I'm loved by my friends and I love them, but it's not the same. And, Impulse, I write about LOVE! Ha! Touche! Just watch, she's gonna come up with some retort to that and I'll be speechless. And then the next week I'll think of something to say back. Eh. C'est la vie et la vie est cruel.
I've decided to go on just loving Red Delicious and let things be and not care and just go on with other things such as the musical. And Yule. Bonfire at my house! If he doesn't want to talk to me or make contact with me in any way, tbfh. My friends know how cool I am. His loss.

Side note: The other day he called me Lilith and I freaked. How did he know that name?! I know this is online and public and everything, but people don't just go around reading random blogs. Or at least I don't. At first I thought that he read my blog, probably because he read Peter's or something along those lines. But then he said that Peter had said "Oh, there's Lilith" and he had asked Peter what that meant and Peter said "Ask her". But I'm not sure I believe him. Peter, is that what happened? Well, anyways, now Red Delicious knows that there's something about him or something I don't want him reading here. Eh. I decide I don't care if he reads it. There's no hope for us anyways.

What's the buzz?

ME!! That's the buzz! I'm buzzing!! I'm SO stressed... I'm flipping.
Luckily I'm listening to some calming music.
I just went Yule shopping (I finished it all) and it was CRAZY! The bill (for all the presents for ALL my friends) ended up being around $70. And I didn't get very expensive gifts! I guess it was just that there were a lot of them. They were all around $2-5 each, but I have a lot of friends! And don't worry, for those reading this who think they're gonna get some crappy two buck piece o' shit, not true! I put MUCHO thought into each gift. And yeah, so I have about 8 socks, but for each person I thought about which kind of sock and colour and if they'd even like socks... I got Red Delicious socks. I think he'll hate them. But I didn't know what to get him! It was either that or condoms. I should've gone for the condoms. And they're RED socks! For his birthday I got him a dirty manga about half naked girls in a dorm with one guy. Ooh, I'll put condoms IN the socks! He'll think I'm nuts. And being suggestive. Eh. I've ruined the friendship anyways. I wonder if I'm going to get presents from anyone at school... Well, Peter doesn't count because I made him feel bad about not getting me a gift so he's probably gone out and bought one. If you haven't, hun, don't. It's ok. I'll live. ;) And I know you love me. And I definitely don't expect one from Crazy. Then again, she doesn't go to the school... shhhh! Maybe Impulse will make me one... I guarantee EVERYONE that's reading this that Red Delicious will NOT get me one. I don't really care, but just watch. If he does, and you remind me, I'll give you a kiss. A chocolate one, unless you're really good-looking. :D If anyone, I'll probably get one from Goth Pink or Impulse. They're nice.
And homework! I'm SO behind... I'm going crazy. I should be doing it right now (and I kind of am, I have the lit brick in my lap and a window up with my essay in it!) but I just have so much... I have all the Bio stuff I didn't do, the new worksheet and the extra credit sheet. Then I have a LOT of alg2 stuff I didn't do. But it wasn't on Edline!! Then there's the essay... And probably some French stuff I'll do during my free period. Then we have our History final due tomorrow! It's a project, as I said. We have to teach the class about... something, I'm not quite sure. That's a bad sign. And I also have my Lit final, which is a dialogue, but I'll do that later. Grr. I should make a list and times and stuff. *runs off to get paper*

PS: Mentally ill people keep on saying I should go out with Peter. There's nothing wrong with him, it's just CAN'T I HAVE A FRIEND?! I have too many romantically involved guys right now...

EDIT: Woooooooooord Disassociation!

Crazy links (to be edited, check back often)

This reminds me of a lot of people I know...

Disturbing...

Kinda... don't go if you're not messed up in the head already.

And people say I'M sex obsessed!

The following are not disturbing:

Awwww! I love this...

Most excellent!

He's so cute!

More picses

This is me and Tegri. Aren't we cute? (Side Note: She's older, even though I look it. Ha ha! But she acts it...)
And I wanted to post a pic I have of Peter, but I need his permission first. Can I? (I love how I just posted two pics of Red Delicious and a pic of Tegri without asking them... oh well...)

EDIT: Pic of Peter! (On the right)

Red Delicious

Ok, so I wanted to post some pics of Red Delicious since I'm always talking about him, so here they are! Note: These are all taken with my phone.

This is him being sexy. We were talking about secret agents and we had camera phones...

This real attractive photo was taken during a soccer game. I was distracting the GORGEOUS soccer players with my glistening beauty.

I think this pic deserves a pretty good explaination. I'm still scratching my head as to how this came to be... So, it all started when I didn't let him go to soccer practice. Actually, I was just hanging with him and I didn't know he had to be somewhere. We slowly made our way over to the middle school, where the dressing rooms are. He needed to fill up his water bottle, so we did that. But then I splashed water on him. It was a hot day, and he could've just kept the shirt on and it would've dried in a minute. But no, he takes the shirt off. And I did not complain! But then he puts that ratty old sweatshirt he wears all the time back on, but doesn't zip it up. So then he starts walking around, flashing me over and over again! So I says to him, I says "I need a picture of this!" So he poses. He's really good at posing. :D

This was taken just before a performance. He played trombone, which makes him a tromBONER! Teehee! He was REALLY good. And doesn't he look sexy? :D

EDIT: He has a MySpace!! I can't believe it! We were all talking about how evil it is, and he's just a little hypocrite!

She loves me, she loves me not

Ok, so today was REALLY awkward.
I went to Puppy's house with New York and Lex to work on a history project. We got virtually nothing done, compared to the time we spent working. We did, in fact, finish the assignment. It was our final. Well, that plus the presentation of the project. We had pizza. It was good. :D
We did a lot of goofing off and tangential conversations. We talked about boys, Red Delicious came up numerous times because apparently he's a pimp. New York thinks he's cute. And Goth Pink likes him too. He's gonna have such a big ego at the end of the year. Why does everyone like him?! Arg... Peter also came up. Nothing bad, of course. Lex likes to go through peoples' phones and read their SMS's and she was going through each of our phones, one by one. She got to mine and started reading the messages. I was cool with her reading them, I didn't have anything about her in there, but then she starts reading them ALOUD. I had totally just sent a text to Tegri about New York and how cute she was and how I could feel a threesome coming on. And Lex read it aloud!! That evil wench. The ironic thing is, it was a history project on heterosexism. So I ran off, covering my face, which was probably as red as Red Delicious' sweatshirt. I came back when the laughter had died down a bit. I quickly explained that the threesome thing was a joke with my good friend Tegri and that I did think she was cute. It was SO embarassing! They didn't let it go, saying how no, Lex, you couldn't have Lilith because she liked New York. GAH! It doesn't help that I kinda do like her.
But now I made myself popcorn and hot cider, so YAY!

The dead do walk

Ok, so everytime I try to search for a particular spell on the net, I get all sorts of WoW, D&D, LotR, etc. (Pokemon, even!) links. GAH!! It's really pissy. Why can't people have respect for the real thing?! Evil munchkins... That means you too, Peter! I just searched for something having to do with souls and got all this necromancy crap. And not even the real stuff, D&D necro crap. Now, I know, I'm a gamer too. In fact, I'm a necro/linguist (and I wonder why no one talks to me) on Rubies of Eventide. Although I haven't played in quite some time due to school comps being fucked. But WHY can't people be all good and Wiccan on the web?! Evil munchkins...
Wouldn't it be cool to be an actual necro? That'd be mad wolley. But I'm not that powerful... *tear*
What do people think of the afterlife? This is inspired by what I wrote in response to one of Tegri's posts and I'm now officially having a poll, place your answers in the 'commentses'. :D

I dreamed a dream

I had a dream last night, but this time not of wisp and dove. ;)
It was about Red Delicious. And I feel kind of... completed, you know? I got the one kiss I wanted, and it was really good! (even though it didn't give me that salty water feeling) I was really impressed at what a good kisser he was. Heehee, it was my dream, I can make him as good a kisser as I want! ;) Now I can't think of kissing him. I can't produce the image in my mind. "Thank you for ridding me of my ridiculous obsession with LOVE!"
And the dream was really sweet. He was really nice to me, and then for some reason he was hurt and I took care of him. And he was wearing that really cute formal attire he wore for the performance. ;) Oh, it was ants! (I think this comes from the fact that the dorms are under attack of the ants) There were ants crawling all over him, and I was on top of him (because we were in a cramped area, I wasn't humping him! It was all very sweet, no sexual anything!) and he couldn't use his hands, so I got the ants off him. And then they were on me! So he kissed me and they went away. I'm not sure how that worked... but I'm glad it did. :D

For the broken hearted

So, I'm sitting here, in the dorm comp room, lonely. I have nothing to do. I just got off the phone with Impulse, who was concerned as to how I was doing. Ok, I'm still going over the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). How do you think I am?
Well, newsflash, I still don't love myself and I rely on other people to love me because I don't. That's how Red Delicious comes into play. I need people to love me in order to feel secure.
Whenever I go through those stages (which is a lot) I never seem to get to acceptance.
And it's not just that I can't let go of Red Delicious, it's that I click with him. It used to be a two way street, we used to be so... clickingful. It's this special feeling I have reserved for certain people. It's like a wave of hormones and then I'm lost. And I can't seem to find myself. In fact, I can never find myself. I live very outside of myself, maybe it has something to do with everything. Someone today said "don't give me that look! I'm not crazy!" and I didn't even realise I was giving her a look. I didn't know what my face was doing.
The only time I want to be alone is when I'm writing. Or I'm feeling very sad. But otherwise I need people to enjoy myself.
I'm always peoples' seconds. Allow me to explain: Let's say we have Meg, here, a hypothetical Meg. She's my friend, my good friend. I've known her for a year and a half now, we've been in many of the same classes, I've been to her house to watch movies and have orgies, etc. We hang out a lot at lunch, we give each other presents at the appropriate holidays. But whenever Lisa is within the vicinity, Meg runs to her, leaving me in the dust. I'm invisible. With all of my friends, it's like this. I don't have that one person who wants to be with me and mostly me. Of course, other friends would be necessary. It would be scary if I only had one friend who I was with 24/7. But I don't have someone who would ditch all their other friends to be with me. I'm not saying that's a good thing, and I would never ditch a friend to be with another friend, but... arg... I just want to be wanted.
I've changed my profile pic, you like? :)

Today=SAD

Today was fairly awkward. As far as days go. Here's a recap (much in the style of Peter, I took the idea from him):

Lit: We worked on our final projects. Nothing of interest.

Free Period: I sat in the commons even though I should have been doing laundry. Even though yesterday was my day. Hey, I have no clean clothes!

Class Meeting: The teachers sufficiently freaked me out about finals, telling us that we need to get enough sleep and we shouldn't be stressed, get all your studying done early, etc. Well, I wasn't stressed before, but now I sure as hell am!

Bio: Talked about sex. And gametes. Fun.

Lunch: Had spaghetti. It was yummy. Got ignored by Red Delicious. He threw down some Mardi Gras sex beads (of course no one knew that THAT was their purpose) from the roof and gave them to Peter. When Peter got them, he yelled "Mardi Gras!" I, of course, I yelled "Sex beads!" Peter then noticed that they had some sort of red something on them and said well, if these were sex beads, they must be *kinky* sex beads. Needless to say, :O........ I didn't know you could be so... so... explicit, Peter! I bet he's got one of those sex/torture chambers below his garage, just for his use. He totally plays 'Mistress of Pain' every night. Can't you just see it...? Ok, has gone to scary visual place, will be leaving now...

History: Failed. Immensely. Talked about sperm, got in trouble, said "well, I did it last period", got embarassed, had to explain that I meant I *learned about* it.

Math: Roger was really sweet to me. He let me use his paper, and then he went and copied it for me. Now I know why Pirate-girl slept with him so much!

Fencing: Skipped it. Thought "what's the point? I didn't go all week due to auditions"

I'm starting to feel really sad lately, but I have kind of a happy outlook on it. I look fully bummed, someone says, "You look sad, are you ok?" And I calmly reply with a grin on my face, "No, I'm really sad. Have a nice day!" I wonder if it has to do with winter. You know, SAD? Or maybe it has to do with Red Delicious. He's being really nice to everyone else, but a whole dick to me. Today he refused to hug me. He refuses to do certain things with me that he does with his other friends. I just want to be one of his "normal" friends. It really hurts me when he treats me like an acquaintance. And now, thinking about it and him, I'm getting that "salty water/gritty mud" feeling in my chest and stomach. Pink Goth said "sour grapes". I didn't know what she was talking about, so she told me the story of how the fox couldn't reach the grapes and the crow was saying "oh, these grapes are so good" and the fox retorted with "they're probably sour anyways". She was right. I had been saying how I decided I didn't like him and he's an ass and such... But he is being pretty unreasonable. He has the emotional maturity of a 4 year old. Except a four year old would love me more than he does. If I was in a burning building with, say Britney Spears, he'd probably save Britney. Even though I'd save him over my own mother. Nothing hurts more than to realise that he meant everything to you and you meant nothing to him. If only he knew how I felt.

Ho hum...

Today was rather a strange day. I woke up not knowing what day it was, where I was, who I was, or what I was doing. Luckily, I've built up habits that make it easier for me to function in times like these; I just got up like a little wind up dog, got dressed and went to breakfast. As I mentioned, I had no idea what, per say, I was doing, I was just doing it. My alarm sets off chain reactions that tells my brain what to do even if I, myself, consciously do not. So then, as the day continued, it got progressively worse. I started to realise how utterly depressing my life is (I do that every so often) and I started to wonder how I manage to smile. Sure, I'm not starving. But my life is pretty far up there for winning the suckiest life award considering what cushy accommodations I've had throughout my life. And even when you're starving, you can still have people who love you. I know I have people who love me, it's just... I've decided that I am half alien and that's why nothing I say makes sense to anyone including myself. I can feel, I can't tell you what it feels like. Of course, that's the way everyone is, except... there it is again, I can't explain. No one talks the way I do, no one talks about this stuff (at least to me). It seems most people live on the surface. Most people don't get all down and dirty with philosophy the way I do. I talk about the colours and how they're different and the life inside and the universe and its stars and feeling the Earth and people stare blankly at me. Do I think too much? Am I smarter than them? Am I really half alien? Am I psychotic? Is everyone playing dumb? Does anyone care? I'm not saying I'm better than you, I'm saying I'm lonely. I can't talk to anyone about what I need desperately to talk about. And when I say smarter, I don't mean knowledge. Anyone can have more knowledge than any other person if they study long and hard enough. I don't have much knowledge, but I know I'm smart. How smart is the question. No, whether intelligence is even the question or not is the question. Now I'm confusing myself. Does anyone understand?

Final Sweet Charity Update:

I'm in!

Something to think about

So I realised quite recently that my friends and I (Integrity and Kiele) have the same blog style (with a few differences according to slight change in personality). So, let's start with mine: The name, Project Shut Up, is very me. It sounds very... creative, I guess, and kind of angled, with the edges sanded. The colours are also kinda funky and angled, but I'm not sharp. As is my personality. The colours kinda clash, but they're pastel so they flow. I come off as a fun loving, crazy, kooky person, but if you just scratch the surface you can see the black background. Integrity: It starts out pretty much the same way, except her title doesn't have any spaces in between, MAYHEMATMIDNIGHT. The name gives away the sort of mystery she has floating around her at all times. She's crazy and fun, like me, but she's in a constant midnight, a forever darkness. She is the mayhem at midnight. Her colours support her ideas that are always graceful and steady, almost liquid. Plain yet elegant. Her Wiccan side shines through unbelievably with her posts and poems, the pictures she shows, the ideas she shares. Kiele: It's the same general layout as before. The name, Art of Miscellany, is so typically her, as her life has been so miscellaneous. Yet she traps that craziness and turns it into art. And at this point I realise, as many might, that I'm just bullshitting this, even though I think it sounds pretty cool. And that just goes to show that I'm not sure I really understand her name as I don't really understand that beautiful, wild, fiery soul that lies beneath the harsh exterior. Her colours completely express her and her essence... the red? Are you kidding me? What other colour could she use?! ;) And the picture... do I really have to say anything about that? :D PS to Kiele: Where'd you get that awesome moon phase thingy? I want one! After spending so long looking at your blog, I just finally noticed it... Teehee.

A note about love

Nobody forgets their first love, right? Well I sure as hell won't. But not for the right reason. It should be a memory of romance and happiness. Mine was a... virtually imaginary relationship. Well, if you've read the On My Own lyrics, you understand. (If you haven't done so, go back right now to that one post and read them) I did have a small relationship with him, but I think it was mostly because he felt sorry for me and because he was a pushover and didn't have the balls to tell me that he didn't like me. And I loved him so much... as Charity says, "I have so much to give, let me give it to you!" That's what I was feeling when I read that at auditions: Eddie. I cried myself to sleep every night after he broke up with me. That lasted for a few months. Then it started to lessen; every other night, then once a week, then every so often, then I met Oliver. I feel I've healed, but I know that he left a gaping hole in my life. At least he filled it in some with actually being with me for a month or so. Now, Mr. Gus... I didn't love him, but I felt deeply for him. And then I had to hate him. He's left a misshapen and bloody scar, not quite healed and never will be. Said scar is a very confused scar, not sure if it's healed or not, or if it even exists. Red Delicious left... something that's not done. It's trying to heal, but he keeps opening it up, sticking splintery wood sticks in the wound and moving them violently around. "And still I say there's a way for us..." Whether I love him is TBD. "And I know it's only in my mind..." He seems to be ignoring me of late. "Without me, his world will go on turning..." He seems to be more interested in "that other her" at the moment. "Without him the world around me changes." If he just kissed me... Or if we went back to be the way we were before. We'd flirt and stuff, I'd hang off of him and we were touchy. "it's only in my mind..." I'm starting to think that I made up the excuse that he's avoiding me. I think I'm avoiding him. And I made it seem like it was him because I left him a note with the Rest in Peace lyrics. I told him to back off. And he did. But I did more. I don't know what to do... I just want to take him in my arms and-- just take him in my arms! Kissing would be nice too, but whatever he wants is cool. Every time he hugs me I don't feel like letting go. Actually, he doesn't hug me, I hug him. When I'm that close to him, I take a deep breath in, settling in his scent. He's my second Eddie. Why can't they return anything? If he kissed me, then I'd at least have the memory. This song reminds me of our situation: Kiss You lyrics. This is kinda what happened with Eddie, except that time I had less tact. Then I left the school, realised over the summer that I was in love with him, invited him over for dinner, watched a movie with him, kissed him as Robin Williams was saying "Carpe diem" and asked if he wanted a girlfriend. He said sure (I was his first one) because he didn't have the balls to say no or to tell me he didn't actually like me. He was a terrible kisser to begin with, but by the time we broke up (hell, by the end of that night!), he was the best I've had. I long to hold him... Red Delicious, not Eddie. No, I know I will probably never see him again and I'm not sure I care. I hope he's well and... that's about it. (RD) Maybe he's too immature. Probably. But I'll wait. Maybe next year. And then he'll be older and most likely TEN MILLION times sexier.

Inspiration

There’s a star
Right above me
It’s faint
But I still see it
I feel it
And all the stars
I can feel the earth
And I’m warm
It’s gorgeous
Even with my eyes closed
I can feel them

Instantaneous

...isn't that a great word? :D

Sweet Charity Update #3:

Ah, last but not least, the acting auditions. Today was the last day. *stretches arms* Now I can relax. *ninja pops up and reminds her that finals are next week* ARG!! I haven't done any studying! Eh, I'll pass. That's good enough for me. So, anyways... auditions... They went well, I was pleasantly surprised. But it was really funny, Peter was my scene partner and *snickers* he was reading for Oscar and I was reading for Charity and *giggles* then we had to switch roles! *roflmao* It's SO enjoyable seeing him play a girl! I once taught a guy how to walk like a girl. He was playing a gay man and he wanted that character to walk like a woman... it was amusing. Peter, can I teach you how to walk like a girl? That would just make my day... My week, my year! Ah... Tee hee! Anywho, I did well! That's the point. Peter (the drama teacher) asked me a few questions concerning my acting experience. I think that was the part I did worse on. :D If that's possible to do badly on answering questions. I also think I did well with Oscar's part. Won't it be funny if I end up getting the part of Vittorio? (that's the part Peter wants.) But I doubt it, because isn't he pretty far up on the importance of character scale? I've never auditioned for a play and gotten a part. I won't get a very important role. Meaghan will probably be Charity, Peter will probably be Vittorio, Ben will be Oscar... And I'll be some random obscure character you only see for 10 seconds. Hopefully with a speaking role. But won't it be grand if I get Ursula or someone like that? Or even Charity! That will be a sight to see... Someone told me that they generally favor upperclassmen, so... hmm... hoping hoping hoping hoping hoping......... The cast list is posted tomorrow! Wish me luck!!

12.

Salty water gushes down
the muscles of her blood.
It twinges,
she cringes,
filled with gritty mud.

When she saw that other her
draped upon his lap,
soul tainted,
almost fainted,
deepening the gap.

She thought that she was finished up
with all this silly stuff.
Now crying,
always trying.
She thought that she was tough.

Again

I miss the ocean.
I miss the sound of the ocean.
I miss you.
I miss the waves.
Crashing in the rhythm of our hearts.
I wish you well.
I hope to see you again.

I Don't Know

What did I see?
In the world, when I was young.
What did I feel?
Was it people
was it kindness?
Was it intellect
was it humor?
I saw no chains
I felt the rain.
I didn't know it at the time.

Sweet Charity Update #2:

So, today was the singing audition. I did really well!!!! I'm so heppe!!!! YAY!! *does cartwheel and perfects yesterday's dance routine* Cause, you know, I can do it online. ;) Anywho, I sang On My Own from Les Mis sang by Eponine. That song is the story of my life. Please look at the lyrics if you don't know them: On My Own Lyrics. That song has happened to me twice. Grr... evil men... Emily(chorus teacher, holding the singing auditions) couldn't stay late, and she was going to miss the bus, so I only got to sing a verse. Povre Peter n'a pas chante. I sang this verse: "I love him/But every day I'm learning/All my life I've only been pretending/Without me his world will go on turning/A world that's full of happiness/That I have never known!" I chose it because it really is the one verse that, I feel represents the rest best. And plus I got to belt. I like to belt. *does cute little rocking thing little kids do* [belt]Known![/belt] If I'm not doing anything, and I'm kinda bored, I'll just do that one word, one note. And I'll hold it for really long. Tee hee.

PS not having to do with Sweet Charity: I'm gonna post some more poems after this. Some that I found burried under... a pile of stuff... And I'm trying really hard not to post too much in one day!! Swearsies!! Starting now!

Looking Back Part 1

How come it never remembers me? I always click that little box that says "Remember me" but it never does. Eh, it has issues.

WARNING: This next part is about my personal life (read: guys and what I've done with them). I don't care if you read it, I mean I did post it on the internet, but some people may not want to, such as Peter, my mom/dad, and possibly Lilly (I don't know you that well hun, and if sex etc. bothers you, don't read this)

I've decided I'm going to email Trever today. For those of you who don't know who Trever is, tbfu. No, jk, he's this guy I had a fling with on the cruise I went on with my family. It's amazing that I could meet a guy on a ship, and then within an hour be making out with him, and yet I can't get a guy I like "in real life". I can't even get the creepy ones! Erg...

So on the note of making out, I'm now officially involved with Sweety. It's kind of an affair, I guess. But I think he thinks it's more. The way he looks at me... Aah! *hits head with frying pan* Why must I do this?! I'm not only torturing myself, I'm torturing him. Basically, I'd be fine with it, if he were a little more experienced. It's not enjoyable to me, and I don't have enough time or patience to teach a little freshie how to kiss. I was just looking for a good time, he was looking for a relationship. I know how it feels when people do this to me, WHY the hell am I doing it to him?! I hope this is how Eddie felt (that's the ex I was talking about in one of my first posts, the one who likes Another Brick In The Wall and hunting.) because then that means he does have a decent bone in his body. God I loved him... I remember how happy I was to be with him... and how unhappy I was when he took it away from me... I loved him. And yet, through all my unhappiness, I was happy because he was happy, with that little tramp with funny looking ears. If she was what made him happy, then her he shall have! And he has her. Actually, I'm not sure, Integrity, is he still with the whore? Anywho... yeah. So that's Eddie there for ya. Whew! That was a long trek down Emotional Memory Ln. So back to Sweety... I've decided that I can't go on with it, I can't lead him on and I can't suffer through another sweaty, salty, bad kiss. If he loves me (which I highly doubt he does) then he will want what will make me happy and everything will be good and I'll still be his friend. I'm not a scaredy cat like Eddie who refused to look me in the eye afterwards. But if he doesn't... he will be totally bummed and... I don't know. Maybe HE'LL never look me in the eye. But if you think about it, I'm shaping his opinion on women and how to kiss and... everything! I can't be responsible for that! I'm getting out while it's still early. (random thought) Ugh, I hate it when newbs go straight for the end. They think they know what they're doing. It's like going into a salsa competition without actually having danced at all. You have to start at the beginning!! I did! Don't just stand there with your mouth gaping wide like a koi and expect me to put my tongue in that unknowledgeable mouth!! Gah!

Hee hee

I think it quite amusing that after I post something about how I can't write much because I'm not in the mood, I write a lit brick. I guess I better clarify what I meant: I'm not feeling very creative. Well, now you deffinitely think it's writer's block. Wraoaoaoang! I'm just not in the mood to try and be witty or clever or creative. I'm tired. [sing]I'm sick and tired of always being sick and tired...[/sing] What I've written so far is brainstorming, my thoughts, general bitching, etc. I wrote another poem recently about... something... possibly my blah-ness... and I should go get that now... And also those others that I wrote in my little purse book... Brb...

I just can't stand it!

Aahh!
My ex-roommate is pissing me off! First she kicked me out of my room, and now she's being a bitch. Apparently I hit on her when we were still roommates. She's not even that pretty! Sure I'm pansexual, but it's not like I wanna get with every girl I see. Well, actually... But not her! I find her repulsive and grotesque. That was purely arrogant of her, primarily to assume that I was queer and then to assume that I'd hit on her. I don't hit on girls. I am a girl. I know what it's like to be hit on by unwanted people. I only hit on the girls that hit on me.
And now, I think she stole my ear phones! And when I was asking her about it, she just shut the door on me. How dare she! I was always nice to her and I always respected her space and when she asked me politely to do something, I did it! She never told me anything was wrong, and out of the blue she comes up with all these problems I have: I didn't clean up my side of the room, I got dressed too slowly (obviously she didn't like that extra few seconds of nudity), I played computer games too late in the night (like she didn't shower and blow dry her hair at one in the morning), etc.
Today, not 30 minutes ago, she saw me lying on the couch and she went up to me and said, "Suzane, I'm reall-- Oh! I'm sorry!" (Suzane is the dorm parent). I look nothing like her!! Even from behind!! Plus she's kind of... chubby... I think it was meant to be an insult, because her boyfriend told Sweety who told me that the reason she wanted to move me out was because I hit on her, so I said to her boyfriend "Hate you too, sweety" as he was walking away from me because this was right after Sweety had told me about what she said to him, and I was feeing a little pissed, and he was staring at me and Sweety funny. [/littlebitchrant] *gasps for breath*
She's so annoying!!

Sweet Charity Update:

So, today was the first audition of three, the dance audition. Needless to say, I failed immensely. Well, I guess I wasn't that bad. There were others who did a lot worse. Peter was actually not one of them. He did incredibly better than I thought he would. And his aerial thingy was quite superb! I was impressed. ;) And I'm not just saying that because I know he's going to read this. Peter, you did a splendid job, congrats! And, although you are, at this point, getting in the play based on lack of males, I wish you could've had the chance to get the part based on pure excellence. You would've nailed it. ;)
Anywho, back to me. :D
She said she was more concerned with attitude and character while dancing rather than the actual steps. So I gave it my all. I hope it was my saving grace. I don't think I'm gonna be Charity, but at least Peter will probably be Vittorio!
Will say more later... off to dinner...

...back from dinner, Sweet Charity Update continued: So there's this girl in the dorm who also auditioned. She's a really good dancer. She's not going to the singing audition because she only wants to... I don't know what she wants to do, but she doesn't want to sing. Arg... I'm not so sure now that I'll get in the play. Everyone said I would, no matter how good or bad I was because there were usually enough parts. And with my acting experience and my singing voice... I mean, I'm not that good, but I'm high school musical quality (no pun intended). But now that I think about it, there are so many other qualified females... and they're better qualified than me! I'd be happy with a small speaking role, even if it was a guy or only two lines. Or even one! If I'm just in the chorus... I'm an actor, I usually play the comic relief. I know I'm never the main character (except for that one play where all the other actors were 7-12 years of age, me being the oldest) but I'm content with where I stand. A speaking role. That's all I ask.

Aaaaaaah-choo!

So, I'm in a mood.
It's not writer's block.
I'm just in a mood.
I have nothing to say.
I don't want to say anything.
I don't have any inspiration to write.
Or motivation.
Especially poems.
I feel kinda sick.
A soul cold.
My creativity is sore.
My emotions are achy.
My essence is blocked.
And my heart is running.
This may last for a week.
Possibly a month.
So just hunker down.
And wait.
While I get better.

Various topics, no title in mind, yet a strong urge to title things

And this being my... 5th post of the day (Erp!).

There was a birthday party in the dorms. It was fun. There was cake. I didn't eat any. I'm kinda full (as Integrity should know after she saw me wolf down all that swiss cheese, chocolate pudding, and mint chip ice cream). Everyone thinks I'm on a diet because I'm not eating much. Eh. At this point I'm too tired to care about anything, so that's what that poem's about. You may think it's all deep and philosophical, but it's really a product of fatigue. Anywho, back to the party. It was the birthday of a girl who I'm supposed to buy a present for (I'm her secret santa). I don't know her at all. I learned her name about a month ago. I'm doomed. But it was fun. I'm having a lot more fun than before. People were joking around with each other. Pushing, shoving, poking. "Hey, you stole my fork!" "No I didn't, you never had one" "You little whore, give me my fork back before I slap you!" "But I've licked it..." "I don't care!" "Eat pillow!" And then the DA's say "No pillow fights!" and the girls stop and settle down...

ARG! No one has respect for rules in this place!! The shower drains are covered and entangled in thick, black hair. Guess what, that's not my hair!! I know that, in the picture, I hair black hair. But it was temporary and now my hair is sort of a light auburn. And people are always leaving their crap all over EVERYWHERE *coughthefreshiepreviouslymentionedcoughcough*. One time, she left her SHOES in MY ROOM!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! And then she was wandering around asking people if they knew where her shoes were!! *hits head with frying pan in frustration* And my dorm jobs, I have to clean the computer room. Everyone leaves food and their papers and crap all over. They trash that place! And then I have to clean it! Grr...

It's a strange sensation. I don't want people to know what's going on with me. Well, I do, but certain things for certain people. That's how this started out. But then my ex-boyfriend (Oliver) and my best friend (Integrity) and my other best friend (Kiele) and my other best friend (Queen of the Pirates) and my mom and my therapist and my dad and my step mom and my friend from school (Peter) and the whole WORLD knows about this! (goes in order of people who knew about it, i.e., first, second, etc.) I can't talk about the people who read this. I can't bitch about what Integrity told this guy I had a crush on (I've never had a gripe with you, honey, so I thought I'd pick on you ;) and how she ruined my life. I'm talking to people, not myself. I have an audience. I wanted a diary. Well, not so much a diary, but a diary to some. I have no idea what I'm getting at. Maybe I'll write a poem about it. I'm generally good at getting my point across in poetry.

So, I'd better sign off this post, cause it's getting a tad long...
I want to thank you all and I love you.

11.

Peace be with you
I can’t cut my crust
As much as I try to
There’s always my trust

And I will love you
My heart is hard
No loving here
My brain is scarred

I just can’t keep up
They’re running too fast
Out of breath
How long will this last?

Your dreams will go on
For all of time
Cold when I’m gone
You’re still at prime

I bid you adieu
That’s all I can say
You know how I feel
Life starts to fray

Good will to you
I’m just too tired
So I’ll give up
No longer inspired

Uh-oh

Ok, so I came back home today from a weekend with my mom. Whew. It was immensely tiring. She is quite something. Crazy, that's what she is. She couldn't stop yelling at me for one thing or another. Grr... I did go to the Dickens' Fair, that was fun. I dressed up as a French beggar boy. Boys are always easy to be because of the whole pants/shirt thing. Women have to get extravagant gowns and such. And the corsets, have I mentioned the corsets! Ugh... Even though they're so awesome and pretty... But expensive! Eh...
Well, anyways, back on agenda. I came home, right, and started talking to one of the girls in the dorm (a freshie). Somehow the conversation dipped into the upcoming auditions for the school musical and she said she was going to audition. ARG! If I didn't already have enough competition with Iona! (possible spelling errors on that name) Keep in mind this is for female roles. Although... as I said in a comment on Peter's blog, I could play a guy... But then that would mean competing with Peter... DOUBLE ARG! I don't want to compete with anyone! And that girl was going on and on about how much experience she's had acting, and she's a really good singer, and she was in the fall performance thingy dancing! I haven't a chance... Keep in mind, once more, that this is for a main character. I'll probably get in, I'm a fairly good singer and I've been acting since before kindergarten. Erg... God, just look at what I'm saying. Heh, and we were arguing who would make a better whore. I'd definitely win. ;)

Well, I don't really have much else to say, I'm just avoiding doing my homework. Teehee. Lilly, if you're reading this, I agree, we should meet. Email me: killthesmallones666@yahoo.co.uk And for the record, if Kiele is one of those really good friends you were talking about, she's my really good friend too. I've known her since I was in... about 4th grade.

PS to Peter: I don't care if you only grade POWs (and I'm taking the liberty of assuming you grade PODs as well). It's the principle of having one of my friends read, judge, and grade an assignment of mine. I'm not terribly upset, but it is slightly irking. I'm doing one now (a POD), that should have been finished and turned in quite some time ago. I can't get it out of my head that you're going to read what I'm writing. I keep thinking, upp, Peter's going to be reading this, should I really say that? And I keep putting it off, editing what I say in it, wondering whether you'll think it's stupid or not, etc. And what you think of how I didn't turn it in on time. And even if you don't think it's stupid, you then know what I received grade-wise on it. Mostly because you gave it to me. And then I start to wonder if you think I'm stupid or not.

Quite strange, I think

So, I woke up this morning feeling "off". There are usually a lot of mornings where I wake up "off", probably because of lack of sleep or anxiety. But this morning, I was feeling REALLY off. I am now fully convinced that I have entered a different dimension than my regular one.

A note about Lilith

I realised, while reading the post of a friend's, that some people may not know who Lilith is. Apart from being me ;) she is a legendary female. She was, supposedly, Adam's first wife. She left him and the garden of Eden after he tried to force her to have sex with him in a subordinate position. Hey, that's what I'd do. Stupid men and their stupid idiocy...
Aaaaanywho, she went off, became a demon, sometimes refered to as the first vampire (and you know how much I love vampires, Integrity). Oh yeah, and she kills men. If you've seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer, she's like Anya. Except prettier. And more seductive. And blond.
And she deals with men directly, unlike Anya who goes to the women the men have scorned. She goes to men who are evil and deserve punishment (and, as Anya points out, they all deserve it) and kills them. Yay!
Now this may seem really awkward, because of all the poems I write about love. And it is. I can't explain it. I love and I hate. All men are evil and I want them all to die and I'm so desperately trying to find love. GAH!!! (I feel a tangent coming on...) I almost forgot to put Peter's link up!!! (tangents always come in twos...) And I really need to write a post on my feelings on love, or rather go into more depth on it. (but what if one of the tangents gets lonely...) my mom is trying to physically remove me from her comp. (...then the other one gets lonely too...) I want to know how many people have read all my poems. I know they're not lit bricks (you know what I'm talking about, Peter!!) and fairly easy to read, but I just wanna know... (tangents are famous for crashing parties...) Omfg, my mom's $10 keyboard is being a pain in the behind!! I used to be able to type without looking at the keys, but all her keys are sticky and in different places and letterless. Grr. (the tangent that crashed the party brought a date...) I went to the Dickens' Fair and bought oodles of uber cool stuff, but I can't tell you what I bought because it's for the majority of people reading this for Yule presents. (the date's husband has arrived...) I'm gonna audition for the play!! Sweet Charity. I've heard of it, but just the name, nothing else. Peter, you will have to fill me in. And I have no dance skills. Well, I can kinda get my groove on... But people usually run and hide when I do...

Stop

Reflected red
in my mind.
Almost dead,
life's not kind.

What can I do?
You can't be had.
Shining you...
Still not mad.

Several things...

I'm going home monkey soon, so I gotta type fast...

Well, that's one thing: I learned how to type!!!! I'm still kinda really slow, but I can type without looking at the keys!! I'm so heppe... I still have to look at the screen, otherwise... erm... well, let's just say that I'm backspacing 5 out of every 20 letters, God knows what it'd be if I had to type from a page... erp...

Another thing: I discovered someone. I mean, I met them awhile ago, a long while ago, but he's kinda quiet so I didn't actually know him that well. But I really met him when he read his poem at a contest he won recently. You can read the poem at his blog, which should be the newest link in my links, if I still have time to put it there after I'm done typing this. I told him I was going to put it up but I spent all my free time reading his blog!! Heh heh... He's really sweet and profound and ... intricate. Amazing. I can't believe it. I love to learn about people, they're so... AWESOME!! Ok, I better move on now, clock's ticking...

All the poems that are before the numbered ones are about Red Delicious, the red sweat-shirted one, when talking about love. The newer ones are about someone else, who I may reveal to you at a later time. But from the intensity of the newer ones, you can see that I like this other one better. (Take that Red Delicious!!!! Eat dirt! But not really... I love you! Don't die! Even though you're avoiding me and you toppled me at lunch! Grr...)

Ok, REEEEEEEAAAAAALLY gotta run now, I have about ten, no nine minutes to pack my life up and head out... CYA!

EDIT: Gawd, I should really go now... eight minutes...
Anywho, I just found copious other poems that were far below the outer membrane of my notebook... so I shall post them when I get home. My mom's taking me to eat sushi. YAY!

Seven minutes...

10.

Nothing moving, nothing still
all the things around me
don't have their own free will,
that's what they have to be.

So this is how the dead are
along the shady street,
even with their bodies marred
they greet the ones they meet.

And while they drink their fluids
and watch events go by,
they eat with the druids
their strawberry death pie.

When the party's almost done
they clean the mess they made
and wrap up the best of fun,
final sleep begins to fade.

9.

I never felt the warmth
on that cold lifeless day.
The parade never came,
it went the other way.

I've never known the touch
of a rose blooming new.
My leaves have never whispered,
the wind never blew.

My world is on my paper
as well as in my head.
That's why the sea can't reach me,
I never knew it dead.

I've never seen the sunlight
glance upon my hair.
It's always been so dark
in your loving care.

Unconditional

I'd give my world to save you
I live each day for you.
I'd bleed to make you happy,
don't know from where you flew.

I don't know if you love me;
it wouldn't change a thing:
I still cry when you smile,
you're still my lonely king.

No matter where you travel
or where your heart may lie
I'll move away your mountains
before I see you die.

My heart--for you--is endless
(that means I'll always care)
even when you leave me,
my heart stays raw and bare.

My eyes can't see the others'
for all I see is yours.
I want to see you loving
along the sandy shores.

I wish to send you kisses
but if that's what you fear
I won't impose my longing,
and none will shed a tear.

I'll wait for you forever,
'til I can make you feel.
No need to return emotions;
just to help you heal.

8.1

Can't stop this day from ending
I want to carry on and on
As time slips through our fingers

though I'd like to try.
all throughout the night,
I'll always hold you tight.

Even we have need for dreams,
though when the sun peeks through the clouds
This day I will remember,

it's hard to say goodbye.
it's time to take our flight.
won't give you up at night.

8.

Can't stop this day from ending
though I'd like to try.
Even we have need for dreams,
it's hard to say goodbye.

I want to carry on and on
all throughout the night,
though when the sun peeks through the clouds
it's time to take our flight.

As time slips through our fingers
I'll always hold you tight.
This day I will remember,
won't give you up at night.

7.

Can't stop myself from rhyming
this day or the last.
It's awkward with the timing
but also in the past.

Can't think the way I used to,
with words and phrase and such,
there isn't more I can do.
I write these way too much!

6.

I do my homework better
when I have my cell.
It makes me less distracted
in my burning hell.

Erp...

Ok, I'm now officially addicted to writing poems. Hee hee. I'm starting to be one of those freak art girls who are all loner-like and stuff. Like Lanie in She's All That. Except I write poems. And I don't have that one best friend that I've been with since kindergarten. Well, not at this school. (Love you Juju, Elo, Queen of the Pirates!!) Everyone has their own pre-formed bonds. Eh. I have my verse. ;)

5.

I cannot love you ever,
you must know that by now.
It's much too costly on my part,
my soul wouldn't allow.

I want to see you grow and play,
though I don't know why,
it pains me just to see your face.
I still can't say goodbye.

I needed you -- but you were gone
and lost to this day.
You had your chance and gave it up
and yet I remain.

4.

Tell me how to live my life.
And who should I be?
Tell me how to rule the world.
'Cause I can't be me.

Tell me who I am and why
I can't be like that.
Explain why I can't be you
and why my life is flat.

Lie to me and tell me I'm good,
that my life's not a waste.
Teach me how good people act
so I'll be embraced.

I want to know, show me how
I can be correct.
I'm broken, flawed, lost...
Rid me of my defect.

3.

My mind doesn't know how to act.
It is as a fool:
Stuttering, stumbling awkwardly.
Can't possibly keep it's cool.

Now they think this hilarious,
but they don't know the half.
It's ruined my life, through and through,
they all think I'm daft!

When I try to get a girl
I walk to her and smile.
But then I just stick like that...
Gone: charm led by style.

But really, I'm not a spaz,
don't listen to what they say.
I'm really quite the stud,
just ignore my tupee!

2.

One day I'll find a way
to tell you how I love you.
A day that's not like any day...
But that will never do!

Once I tell you how I love,
once I find the words,
the magic will just fly away
like the startled birds.

My love is free and it is whole
to cage it would be mad.
It needs to sail the seven seas;
definition can't be had.

Although I'll never see you twice,
memories are grand.
And in sleep we'll meet again,
I'll take you by the hand.