Fate hates me...

I had a presentation today. It was a lit thing. It sucked, although everyone seemed to like our English dialects and dramatic reading. And then I had a free period. I didn't do much today. CRAP!! I still need to wrap everyone's present! Darn! Durnnit, dammit, darnation... Daggit! Oh well, the night is young, and I am in no mood for sleep. Tonight, we shall share the same dream! YES!

So this morning, when I took my phone into the shower with me (hey, I over slept and I wanted to talk to my friends, but I also needed to shower because I hadn't done so in several days), I was kinda sleepy, right? Not yet awake? So I make this proposition to Sweety. I ask him if I could "use" him to make Red Delicious jealous. God, what was I thinking... Of course, being the sweetie he is, he agreed. I talked to Pirate Girl about it and she said we'd have show him what he could have. It's risky, it's stupid, it'll do things to my rep, and it's messing with someone's free will. Not just anyone, but the guy I love. Why would I want to do that? I told you I was tired... The more I thought about it, the more I realised how much I didn't want to do it. Let it be. Besides, he's starting to talk to me more. We talked for a whole minute today! It was grand! But then he had to leave because... well, he was done with his finals. But he was looking at me funny. He'd have long periods of just staring at me while we talked and then a long period of not looking at me.

The weirdest thing is... all those times I mentioned in Looking Back Part 2, I didn't even scrape the surface. A lot of times he looked like he was going to kiss me or expected me to kiss him. He was definitely flirting with me. He claims, now, that it was a joke, he was only fake flirting. But it wasn't... Why else would I like him unless he seemed interested, he's not the shiniest spoon in the drawer.
And now he's just gone. My theory is that he liked me but was afraid of relationships, so he backed away when I got more serious. Then I pushed too hard and he backed WAY up, and now I can barely see him. That seems to be the most logical reason. Either that or he's a cold hearted bitch and he likes to fuck with people's emotions. I like the first reason better.
Sweety's going to talk to him to see what happened. Later, when it's the opportune moment, I'm going to tell him that he's the loose end of a love triangle. Just so he knows. And then I'm going to leave it at that and love from afar. The end.

This Is Why

Twig snap
Leaf fall
This is why the wind blows

Insect fly
White cloud
This is why the wind blows

Pale light
Bright moon
This is why the Fall goes

Windpool
Wind turn
This is why the Fall goes

Earth strong
Earth hard
This is why the tree grows

Spark gone
Still air
This is why the tree grows

13.

i've left myself
put up on the shelf
inside all hollow
seeing pools shallow

there is no more
what're you fighting for
scraped out
can't even shout

body used up
not still a pup
worn out and thin
scraps of tin

Peter and me

This is a fun little pic taken today at lunch. We were doing some crazy things... At one point me and Buddha were going to take a picture with each other, but Spaceship's phone didn't want to save it. It was really funny because I was holding him like I wanted him, but then he looked down at me just as Spaceship was taking the picture so it looked like he was going to kiss me! It was a very romanitic picture. We had a good laugh...

EDIT: Has nothing to do with today. This was a practice of my Halloween costume. I was Bubblegum. I looked smashing. :)

I am from condradiction

But at least I can be happy in my sorrow. How does that work? I'm sad, but I'm happy about it. I cry with a smile on my face. I love with a broken heart and a song in there too. I see the small things, raindrops, and they excite me, yet they depress me. This isn't the definition of bipolar, you're not supposed to have it at the same time!
How can I live each day knowing that I'm dying? How can I face people and tell them I'm alright? Why am I like this? Why can't I just settle on one emotion? Why are all the feelings swirled clouds in a tempest? The tempest of my heart...

That's What It Is
It feels like it's bursting, overflowing with tears. The salty water. It gets worse each time, swelling even further beyond repair. Sometimes I can't take it, but I can't stop it. It just comes... and it hurts. It burns. At first I liked it and I sought it out, looking to break my own heart just so I could get that thrill again. But it's out of control. Now it comes when it wants, searing into my body. All he has to do is touch me, and I die inside. Passion.

Unrequited

"A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain."
--Abraham Crowly

Some things never change

FINALS!! I did fairly well on my first two. Math and science. My worst subjects. Well, bio isn't so bad, and neither is algebra really, it's just I haven't really been keeping up with the homework of late. I like the material, it's just I'm having various mental break downs and inner apocalypses, etc. So, the bio test was somewhat easy, I knew a lot of the stuff. But I spent so much time studying the earlier stuff I forgot to study the more recent stuff! ATP?! What's that?! Actually, there was a little diagram of an ATP molecule on the test and it said "Name this molecule". At first I put "amino acid", then saw the three phosphate groups and went WHUPS!! The algebra final was so incredibly easy. We got to pick the questions we did. So I did 10 questions in all, because they were higher point questions. Instead of doing 25 5point questions I did 5 5point questions and 5 20point questions.

My nail... Mon petit povre pinkie nail... It's wrapped in glue. First I got a glue stick and got some glue under my nail so it would be glued to the rest of my nail. But now it's glued to my pinkie. Then I got a candle and dripped hot wax on my nail so it would be held together. But the glue is holding the wax on so it won't come off. Then I got some Elmer's glue and rubbed it on top. But now that glue is holding everything in place, like a hard, casing, cocoon thing. The wax is green... it looks like my finger is molding...

There's always a reason for nicknames. Sweety is no exception. He's so unbearably sweet! It's like one of those too-sweet-to-eat frostings. I feel kinda bad sometimes, and others I just feel loved. He makes me feel so... wonderful! He's kinda awkward sometimes but others he's so thoughtful... The way he looks at me...with pure, unrequited desire. With love. He can always cheer me up. He makes my day. And I love him, but I'm not in love with him, and he's ok with that. He feels bad that Red Delicious doesn't want me, and, as far as I can tell, he wants Red Delicious to want me. So I can be with him. Even though that would mean not being with him. Sweety. He'd give up his own happiness for mine. I'm so grateful. I've never been loved like this before. I wish Red Delicious was as grateful for me as I am for Sweety.
Yay, we're in a love triangle!!

Don't Panic

The immortal words of Douglas Adams. A great man. And all through this craze and chaos, that's all I can hear: Don't panic. My mind's ear telling myself not to freak, not to lose my cool. There's school, yes of course, and guys. And life. Don't forget about life! My chemicals, the ones in my brain, stir knavishly, plotting against me. What will they decide? What horror will they place upon me today? But I gotta get through this, I have to. Everyone's counting on me. I have to stay strong for all of my friends. And for my family. Why? Is there an important reason? I'm not quite sure. I'm just floating. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Where I should go, who I should ask. It's all swirled together. My hopes and dreams seem lost in the whirlpool of the universe. And yet I hold onto one thing: Don't panic. And I try not to.

Looking Back Part 2

So, after writing the last post, I started remembering all of the memorable times I had at school with Red Delicious.

1. The day when I got his shirt wet and he took it off.

2. The time when he was complaining about how everyone thinks of him as a little kid or a little brother and NO ONE thinks of him as a sexual being, and I said "one does" and he smiled.

3. The day he was holding the chalk just out of my reach so I had to wrap my arms around him and bring my face really close to his.

4. The same day as the chalk day, only later. He was biting my cheek, but it was more like kissing. That was the time when he got the name Red Delicious because he was biting the sticker (it was on my cheek) so he took it off and put it on himself.

5. All the times he'd walk up to me and say something completely random.

6. All the times I walked into a room where he was and he saw me and lit up.

7. The time when he was playing dead and telling me I had to give him CPR. And don't forget the tongue.

8. The day when I straddled him to get his phone number and he gave it to me one number up. (i.e., 234-5678 becomes 345-6789)

9. The game day (when the picture with his finger in his mouth was taken) when he dipped me, the guys shouted "Kiss her!" and he thought seriously about it and said "I can't..."

10. The time when he held me from behind while we swayed and sang I Touch Myself.

And now I'm crying... I miss the old him so much!
It's almost like it never happened...

The usual

Oh gosh. Where do I start?
Maybe from the beginning...
Today was reading day. That's when we study for finals, supposedly. But I couldn't get any studying done because I was having another Apocalypse, as usual. Sweety helped me, though. He's so sweet! He likes me, yet he tolerates all my jabbering about Red Delicious because he knows how much pain I'm in over him. He talked to him today. Sweety to Red Delicious. Apparently he thinks I'm avoiding him. That's only so he won't think I'm a stalker. And he says that whenever he tries to act "normal" with me, I flirt with him. I'm acting normal with him! That's the way we used to act with each other! We'd always be hanging off each other and stuff. That's why everyone thought we were going out, cause we were always flirting. Gosh, who the hell does he think I am?! Piece of shit, mother fucker...

I'm going to fail my finals. :)

Comments, Questions, Feedback

This is my fifth post of the day. Do you think I'm sufficiently bored? My point is, I want to know if you, the readers, think that I'm posting too much. I would very much like your feedback. Say whatever you think I should know about my blog, i.e., if you hate it when I talk so much about Red Delicious. It doesn't mean I'll stop writing about those things, I just want to know what my audience thinks. I am fully aware how strange I am. Don't judge, comment!

Apocalypse

I've been thinking of changing my name to Apocalypse. Or possibly Lilith the Apocalypse. But then I'd feel as if I was encroaching on the Venetians' way of nicknaming, i.e., Peter the Disconcerting (although he's not very disconcerting! He's such a sweety...! :D) Or just have someone's nickname be Apocalypse. I just really want to use it. But all my friends have names, plus no one I know fits the description of Apocalypse very well. Even I don't. But I do have a constant Apocalypse going on inside me at any given time...
PS: Dark Sun, the coolest name EVER! Other than Apocalypse, of course...

Definition of insanity

What is the definition of insanity? The American Heritage Dictionary says "Unsoundness of mind sufficient in the judgment of a civil court to render a person unfit to maintain a contractual or other legal relationship or to warrant commitment to a mental health facility." Eh. I say blow the legal crap. Albert Einstein is credited with defining insanity as "doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome." I do that. In seventh grade, the Martian and Kiele looked "insane" up and said I fit the definition (it's been so long I can't remember what it said). My uncle explained to me the difference between "psychotic" and "schizophrenic": Psychotics build castles in the clouds; schizophrenics live in them. And when I looked it up, it said that neurotics build the castles and psychotics live in them. I also found this website: Ah, Mental Health. How can we live on this Earth and not be crazy? To err is human, right? The brain is so big and confusing and complicated, something's bound to go wrong! And everyone has their own little form of psychosis. Yay! We're crazy! EDIT: AAh! I don't know, I just don't know what... I can't put my finger on it. What am I doing differently? Maybe the people here are A LOT different. I get strange looks now. Not that I didn't before, but now I get REALLY strange looks. It makes me feel bad. What am I doing? Am I hurting you? Am I upsetting you? Tell me! I don't want to be thrown out of my room again... I say something and the whole room gets quiet. What? What did I say? Did I do something? Do I have a piece of crap in my teeth? And they all look up like "what did you just say? What were you thinking?!" And I'm just thinking "What?!" and I feel like crying cause they all think I'm crazy, and not in a good way. Why do I care so much about what people think of me. I do these crazy things... Well, it depends, I'll get on top of the roof and scream "Long live The Beatles!" or go dumpster diving for a really cute band jacket from the sixties the school just happens to be throwing away. I'll even go up to random people and say hi or ask for a hug. But why do I care so much if Peter thinks I'm stupid or if Mr. Gus doesn't want to be my friend or if people are shocked by what I say? It's not the people, I do stupid things in front of them all the time. Is it the type of stupid thing?

Someone

I just can't take my mind off Red Delicious. Today... ah, it was awful, we were together, (me, Peter, Red Delicious, Art, and Eye) just hanging out behind the commons like we usually do. But then Red Delicious, Art, and Eye go inside the commons because it was cold. So me and Peter follow them. Once inside, we (Peter and I) stand around awkwardly because we have no idea what we're doing there. They sit down and me and Peter follow suit. I sat next to Red Delicious and at first he was facing and talking to me, and I was heppe. But then he starts to completely ignore me so I start talking to Peter exclusively. He did almost the same thing earlier. I was sitting next to him at morning meeting. God... At least today he said more to me than he did all week. But, because of said condition in previous post, I keep on thinking that we're still friends. So I keep going up to him and acting like nothing happened. Do you think it will work? Or do you think I should ignore him as much as he's ignoring me? Keep in mind this was not a plan, I just happened to be doing it by accident because I have no memory at the moment, just feelings. I just react to people accordingly: how I feel about them.
So, the title! I bet you're wondering about that, huh? Well, I'm referring to a song I've probably talked about: Someone by DHT. I was just talking to Sweety about the way he looked at me, I could feel his longing. It's so sweet! I love it when guys look at me like that. It makes me feel special. And I told him that I wished Red Delicious would look at me like that. I just wish I could be his someone.

Going through the motions

For some reason, I've been feeling rather strange lately and I'm slightly disoriented. Like awhile ago when Sweety asked me out and then I had to tell him I couldn't because I was having personal problems. More like medical problems. There's something wrong with the way my brain is functioning of late. My regular actions are fine, walking, typing, breathing, masticating, I can do all of them the way I used to. But it feels like I'm going through the motions. "Nothing here is real, nothing here is right ... nothing seems to penetrate my heart ... will I stay this way forever, sleepwalk through my life's endeavour ... I can't even see if this is really me, and I just wanna be alive." And there's this thing where I kinda black out. But nothing goes black. I used to have them every so often, but they were really quick and I barely noticed them. But these are becoming several seconds long. People can be talking to me and all of a sudden I have no idea if they're speaking English or not. You can tell how annoying this must be in French class. It's like a short circuit. I don't even know who I am or where I am. My brain just stops working for a few moments. I hope it's just stress. Cause then that means I'm not crazy or dying.
(EDIT: Sweety made a good point when I was telling him about this. He said "Like you're on autopilot?". And I was thinking "Oh my god, how did you know?!")
It's like there's this zombie that acts like me in my place. There's only one thing I can feel strongly about. And can you guess what that is? Red Delicious.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn

And I'll never learn it. What's that? you may ask. Well, if you've never heard that quote, you're doomed. In my book. Here it is so I can save your souls: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
Sure, I'm loved by my friends and I love them, but it's not the same. And, Impulse, I write about LOVE! Ha! Touche! Just watch, she's gonna come up with some retort to that and I'll be speechless. And then the next week I'll think of something to say back. Eh. C'est la vie et la vie est cruel.
I've decided to go on just loving Red Delicious and let things be and not care and just go on with other things such as the musical. And Yule. Bonfire at my house! If he doesn't want to talk to me or make contact with me in any way, tbfh. My friends know how cool I am. His loss.

Side note: The other day he called me Lilith and I freaked. How did he know that name?! I know this is online and public and everything, but people don't just go around reading random blogs. Or at least I don't. At first I thought that he read my blog, probably because he read Peter's or something along those lines. But then he said that Peter had said "Oh, there's Lilith" and he had asked Peter what that meant and Peter said "Ask her". But I'm not sure I believe him. Peter, is that what happened? Well, anyways, now Red Delicious knows that there's something about him or something I don't want him reading here. Eh. I decide I don't care if he reads it. There's no hope for us anyways.

What's the buzz?

ME!! That's the buzz! I'm buzzing!! I'm SO stressed... I'm flipping.
Luckily I'm listening to some calming music.
I just went Yule shopping (I finished it all) and it was CRAZY! The bill (for all the presents for ALL my friends) ended up being around $70. And I didn't get very expensive gifts! I guess it was just that there were a lot of them. They were all around $2-5 each, but I have a lot of friends! And don't worry, for those reading this who think they're gonna get some crappy two buck piece o' shit, not true! I put MUCHO thought into each gift. And yeah, so I have about 8 socks, but for each person I thought about which kind of sock and colour and if they'd even like socks... I got Red Delicious socks. I think he'll hate them. But I didn't know what to get him! It was either that or condoms. I should've gone for the condoms. And they're RED socks! For his birthday I got him a dirty manga about half naked girls in a dorm with one guy. Ooh, I'll put condoms IN the socks! He'll think I'm nuts. And being suggestive. Eh. I've ruined the friendship anyways. I wonder if I'm going to get presents from anyone at school... Well, Peter doesn't count because I made him feel bad about not getting me a gift so he's probably gone out and bought one. If you haven't, hun, don't. It's ok. I'll live. ;) And I know you love me. And I definitely don't expect one from Crazy. Then again, she doesn't go to the school... shhhh! Maybe Impulse will make me one... I guarantee EVERYONE that's reading this that Red Delicious will NOT get me one. I don't really care, but just watch. If he does, and you remind me, I'll give you a kiss. A chocolate one, unless you're really good-looking. :D If anyone, I'll probably get one from Goth Pink or Impulse. They're nice.
And homework! I'm SO behind... I'm going crazy. I should be doing it right now (and I kind of am, I have the lit brick in my lap and a window up with my essay in it!) but I just have so much... I have all the Bio stuff I didn't do, the new worksheet and the extra credit sheet. Then I have a LOT of alg2 stuff I didn't do. But it wasn't on Edline!! Then there's the essay... And probably some French stuff I'll do during my free period. Then we have our History final due tomorrow! It's a project, as I said. We have to teach the class about... something, I'm not quite sure. That's a bad sign. And I also have my Lit final, which is a dialogue, but I'll do that later. Grr. I should make a list and times and stuff. *runs off to get paper*

PS: Mentally ill people keep on saying I should go out with Peter. There's nothing wrong with him, it's just CAN'T I HAVE A FRIEND?! I have too many romantically involved guys right now...

EDIT: Woooooooooord Disassociation!

Crazy links (to be edited, check back often)

This reminds me of a lot of people I know...

Disturbing...

Kinda... don't go if you're not messed up in the head already.

And people say I'M sex obsessed!

The following are not disturbing:

Awwww! I love this...

Most excellent!

He's so cute!