I had a presentation today. It was a lit thing. It sucked, although everyone seemed to like our English dialects and dramatic reading. And then I had a free period. I didn't do much today. CRAP!! I still need to wrap everyone's present! Darn! Durnnit, dammit, darnation... Daggit! Oh well, the night is young, and I am in no mood for sleep. Tonight, we shall share the same dream! YES!
So this morning, when I took my phone into the shower with me (hey, I over slept and I wanted to talk to my friends, but I also needed to shower because I hadn't done so in several days), I was kinda sleepy, right? Not yet awake? So I make this proposition to Sweety. I ask him if I could "use" him to make Red Delicious jealous. God, what was I thinking... Of course, being the sweetie he is, he agreed. I talked to Pirate Girl about it and she said we'd have show him what he could have. It's risky, it's stupid, it'll do things to my rep, and it's messing with someone's free will. Not just anyone, but the guy I love. Why would I want to do that? I told you I was tired... The more I thought about it, the more I realised how much I didn't want to do it. Let it be. Besides, he's starting to talk to me more. We talked for a whole minute today! It was grand! But then he had to leave because... well, he was done with his finals. But he was looking at me funny. He'd have long periods of just staring at me while we talked and then a long period of not looking at me.
The weirdest thing is... all those times I mentioned in Looking Back Part 2, I didn't even scrape the surface. A lot of times he looked like he was going to kiss me or expected me to kiss him. He was definitely flirting with me. He claims, now, that it was a joke, he was only fake flirting. But it wasn't... Why else would I like him unless he seemed interested, he's not the shiniest spoon in the drawer.
And now he's just gone. My theory is that he liked me but was afraid of relationships, so he backed away when I got more serious. Then I pushed too hard and he backed WAY up, and now I can barely see him. That seems to be the most logical reason. Either that or he's a cold hearted bitch and he likes to fuck with people's emotions. I like the first reason better.
Sweety's going to talk to him to see what happened. Later, when it's the opportune moment, I'm going to tell him that he's the loose end of a love triangle. Just so he knows. And then I'm going to leave it at that and love from afar. The end.
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6 comments:
Yeah, the first one sounds like it could be it. He seemed really flirty when you were involved with...*thinks hard to remember fake name* Oliver? Anyway it makes sense that he was so "open" then... it was probably because if you were involved with someone else he was safe to just play and have a good time, without the worry of things getting complicated.
I don't believe in jealousy. It's a nasty emotion.
To me, the idea that he was just fake-flirting seems pretty probable. I know a lot of people who will automatically respond if you flirt with them, and sometimes even flirt with someone just because that someone is there and open to it. It leads to a lot of ... complication. But it's really fun.
On a random note, are you coming to Gaskells tomorrow?
Arg! I wish I could go to that! Let me know when another one comes around!
Gaskells! Yeah Lilith, are ya goin'? Hey I've always wanted to go to that! Except every time I hear about it, is after it already happened. what time is it?
Yeah, I agree. Jealousy is yucky. ewwww! like slime covered shoes, that you can't decide whether to put on or not. if you put them on you will feel dirty all day long, and if you don't you will be late to school. Jealousy.
Lilith, I don't think you should bother telling him about the triangle. chances are that he knows about it already. usually i am all for telling people the whole story, but in your case... i dunno,it's just that you keep saying your just going to do this, and leave it at that. but then it's always something else. it's never JUST that. you're now going to do THAT and let that be the end of it... it's never ending, and if you keep "just doing this one last thing," it's never gong to end. I mean, what is t going to accomplish anyway? You keep saying you wish things would go back to the way they were... and by continually bringing back issues, things won't resolve themselves. i'm not saying you can't talk about it ever. i'm just saying that you are in too deep at this point. i mean think about eddie. it took a really, really long time to move on from him. it will be just as hard with Red-D. it's not something that you can discuss from a safe, confortable place at this point. seriously. wait like a year or something.
And don't USE Sweety. If you really care about him, Don't. I know it may be tempting, but you would hurt him. even if he SAYS he's okay with it. You could show Red-D what he could have had, but the only way to do that is to genuinly find someone else. And really BE happy with them. and the whole point of being with them should be because you are happy with them... not so that you can make Red-D jealous. otherwise it will just be way fake-o. Darling, it's really time to let him go. that doesn't mean that noting will EVER happen, but right now, you are just not meant to be together. right now, the stars are not in the right spot, or he isn't ready, or you arn't ready, or something. but the bottom line is, it's not healthy, it's not productive, and it isn't a happy place to be. You are just not looking out for your well-being by not letting this go. and if you say you can't, well don't say it. don't make yourself believe that you are weak and under his power, helpless. you are not like that! LET...HIM...GO. focus on other things. Your life doesn't have to be like a soap opera. You need to stop letting Red-D lead you in your own life. if he's making you sad or upset or angry or happy or loved... know that it's not HIM making you feel... it's you! You are the one reacting. Take back the power to control your own life. LET...HIM...GO.
I LOVE YOU!
i have faith in you. I know that you can overcome this.
Saturday at 8:30 in the Scottish Rite Temple in Oakland.
wwww.gaskellball.com has any other information people need.
As for having a life like a soap opera, I find it highly enjoyable a vast majority of the time, though the times when it isn't are really really not worth it.
At this point, I'm too tangled in plot threads to get out of the damn thing, though.
"and there are days that lead you to believe that the soap God writes for is locked in a desperate ratings battle with a rival show, which has forced Him to pour a whole season's worth of unspeakable disasters into one half-hour episode." from a short story I read, someplace
This is why life being a soap opera is bad.
It's good because you no longer have any reason to watch daytime TV.
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