A note about love

Nobody forgets their first love, right? Well I sure as hell won't. But not for the right reason. It should be a memory of romance and happiness. Mine was a... virtually imaginary relationship. Well, if you've read the On My Own lyrics, you understand. (If you haven't done so, go back right now to that one post and read them) I did have a small relationship with him, but I think it was mostly because he felt sorry for me and because he was a pushover and didn't have the balls to tell me that he didn't like me. And I loved him so much... as Charity says, "I have so much to give, let me give it to you!" That's what I was feeling when I read that at auditions: Eddie. I cried myself to sleep every night after he broke up with me. That lasted for a few months. Then it started to lessen; every other night, then once a week, then every so often, then I met Oliver. I feel I've healed, but I know that he left a gaping hole in my life. At least he filled it in some with actually being with me for a month or so. Now, Mr. Gus... I didn't love him, but I felt deeply for him. And then I had to hate him. He's left a misshapen and bloody scar, not quite healed and never will be. Said scar is a very confused scar, not sure if it's healed or not, or if it even exists. Red Delicious left... something that's not done. It's trying to heal, but he keeps opening it up, sticking splintery wood sticks in the wound and moving them violently around. "And still I say there's a way for us..." Whether I love him is TBD. "And I know it's only in my mind..." He seems to be ignoring me of late. "Without me, his world will go on turning..." He seems to be more interested in "that other her" at the moment. "Without him the world around me changes." If he just kissed me... Or if we went back to be the way we were before. We'd flirt and stuff, I'd hang off of him and we were touchy. "it's only in my mind..." I'm starting to think that I made up the excuse that he's avoiding me. I think I'm avoiding him. And I made it seem like it was him because I left him a note with the Rest in Peace lyrics. I told him to back off. And he did. But I did more. I don't know what to do... I just want to take him in my arms and-- just take him in my arms! Kissing would be nice too, but whatever he wants is cool. Every time he hugs me I don't feel like letting go. Actually, he doesn't hug me, I hug him. When I'm that close to him, I take a deep breath in, settling in his scent. He's my second Eddie. Why can't they return anything? If he kissed me, then I'd at least have the memory. This song reminds me of our situation: Kiss You lyrics. This is kinda what happened with Eddie, except that time I had less tact. Then I left the school, realised over the summer that I was in love with him, invited him over for dinner, watched a movie with him, kissed him as Robin Williams was saying "Carpe diem" and asked if he wanted a girlfriend. He said sure (I was his first one) because he didn't have the balls to say no or to tell me he didn't actually like me. He was a terrible kisser to begin with, but by the time we broke up (hell, by the end of that night!), he was the best I've had. I long to hold him... Red Delicious, not Eddie. No, I know I will probably never see him again and I'm not sure I care. I hope he's well and... that's about it. (RD) Maybe he's too immature. Probably. But I'll wait. Maybe next year. And then he'll be older and most likely TEN MILLION times sexier.