So, I'm sitting here, in the dorm comp room, lonely. I have nothing to do. I just got off the phone with Impulse, who was concerned as to how I was doing. Ok, I'm still going over the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). How do you think I am?
Well, newsflash, I still don't love myself and I rely on other people to love me because I don't. That's how Red Delicious comes into play. I need people to love me in order to feel secure.
Whenever I go through those stages (which is a lot) I never seem to get to acceptance.
And it's not just that I can't let go of Red Delicious, it's that I click with him. It used to be a two way street, we used to be so... clickingful. It's this special feeling I have reserved for certain people. It's like a wave of hormones and then I'm lost. And I can't seem to find myself. In fact, I can never find myself. I live very outside of myself, maybe it has something to do with everything. Someone today said "don't give me that look! I'm not crazy!" and I didn't even realise I was giving her a look. I didn't know what my face was doing.
The only time I want to be alone is when I'm writing. Or I'm feeling very sad. But otherwise I need people to enjoy myself.
I'm always peoples' seconds. Allow me to explain: Let's say we have Meg, here, a hypothetical Meg. She's my friend, my good friend. I've known her for a year and a half now, we've been in many of the same classes, I've been to her house to watch movies and have orgies, etc. We hang out a lot at lunch, we give each other presents at the appropriate holidays. But whenever Lisa is within the vicinity, Meg runs to her, leaving me in the dust. I'm invisible. With all of my friends, it's like this. I don't have that one person who wants to be with me and mostly me. Of course, other friends would be necessary. It would be scary if I only had one friend who I was with 24/7. But I don't have someone who would ditch all their other friends to be with me. I'm not saying that's a good thing, and I would never ditch a friend to be with another friend, but... arg... I just want to be wanted.
I've changed my profile pic, you like? :)
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So, my point on the hormones thing is... I miss it. I had it with Eddie. I think I've fairly much accepted that Red Delicious shall not be mine (Marmot said that one day either he would like me or I shall not like him. Probably the latter) And if he would be mine (say, next year) I would be happy, but I'm not bent on it. It's like getting the role of Charity. Would be nice, not a probability. But now I'm just pissed cause he is slightly ignoring me. Him as a person is disconnected to my emotions for him. I long for the feeling, not him. I don't particularly want him, if he's gonna act like this.
I wish you were closer
I wish I was closer too, dear. I miss you. And I know you have to focus on the friends that are near you, as I have to focus on the friends that are near me. I don't blame you.
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